Janet CollinsHugs, Kisses and a Touchy Feely Society
January 12th 2010 05:21
I have often found it rather amusing that society in general has become so touchy feely. In fact, gone are those stuffy English rules about only touching people from the elbows to the hands and not any higher. We kiss and hug just about anyone we meet and touching anyone on the shoulder, the shoulder blade, the back, the waist or just about anywhere but real private parts seems almost obligatory if we want someone to trust or like us. It can also leave me feeling rather annoyed or irritated, particularly when I am subjected to uninvited hugs or rubs from distant colleagues or worse, people I have never even met.
This new form of greeting or closeness may have some real therapeutic benefits but it also poses many new dilemmas and not everyone is comfortable with it. Not only that, what can be intended as a demonstrative friendly gesture can end up either being interpreted incorrectly or reeking of superficiality. So how do we handle an unwanted touch or hug? Are we compelled to go along with it, or can we stand our ground and decline an advance?
I can’t remember when we all got so gushy and huggy. I know I didn’t throw my hands wildly around my school friends whenever we met, but that was a long time ago. In fact as far as I can remember it was only my parents who displayed any real sort of affection to me like that back then. Even aunts and uncles were reasonably reserved when we all got together. A peck on the cheek was acceptable enough. I don’t remember them doing noisy hugs or overt displays with each other either.
In fact, I don’t remember it being either acceptable or common to greet friends or acquaintances like this in the 80s or even 90s. I don’t even remember when it started becoming something we all did.
Times have definitely changed and even I have succumbed to affectionate greetings with friends and family and I have really grown to enjoy these displays of closeness. That doesn’t mean that I am comfortable with anyone touching me without invitation. In fact, I have started to become quite annoyed when people I don’t know feel that it is necessary to touch me. An accidental collision in a store can often be followed with a rub on the shoulder or an upper arm grab and a “sorry” and any efforts to push someone away or remove their hand is bound to be interpreted as hostile or rude.
The same goes for work colleagues who for some reason can’t seem to have a conversation without some sort of touching. This can get extremely delicate if the person doing the touching is either senior to you or a direct boss but how do you tell them, or anyone, politely to keep their hands to themselves?
It’s a tricky question. For a while now I have thought I was pretty much alone in thinking this way but after taking a look through the web I found all sorts of articles that reflect my own views on what has really become an obsession to touch or hug anyone we talk to. It’s all there. Some people can’t get enough of this hugging and kissing. They love it – at work, on social occasions and just about anywhere. Others like me prefer this interaction with a selected few.
In all the articles and posts I read on the subject, no-one it seems has come up with a polite and courteous way of rejecting such displays of affection if we don’t really want them. This is probably because there are really no hard and fast rules any more about greetings and closeness. For those who are as uncomfortable about strangers or distant acquaintances touching them as I am, there are considerable risks in objecting to any overtures of warmth because it projects an image of unfriendliness or even distrust.
My experience leaves me with nothing but a feeling of irritation but I am sure this new found trend in touching can pose much more serious dilemmas. Work, as I have mentioned, can be one of them. What is, for example, acceptable touching in the workplace? Can a touch, or even more of a “hold” be interpreted as a sexual advance or is it just a modern-day sign of “mateship” or acceptance?
We really need a new set of rules for this new style of friendliness. I am often in two minds about it. On one hand, I enjoy the fact that we can feel less inhibited about displays of affection. On the other, even if the gesture is a harmless one, I would still rather be the one who makes the decision who and who shouldn’t be able to start rubbing my shoulder.
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