Janet CollinsHugs, Kisses and a Touchy Feely Society
January 12th 2010 05:21
I have often found it rather amusing that society in general has become so touchy feely. In fact, gone are those stuffy English rules about only touching people from the elbows to the hands and not any higher. We kiss and hug just about anyone we meet and touching anyone on the shoulder, the shoulder blade, the back, the waist or just about anywhere but real private parts seems almost obligatory if we want someone to trust or like us. It can also leave me feeling rather annoyed or irritated, particularly when I am subjected to uninvited hugs or rubs from distant colleagues or worse, people I have never even met.
This new form of greeting or closeness may have some real therapeutic benefits but it also poses many new dilemmas and not everyone is comfortable with it. Not only that, what can be intended as a demonstrative friendly gesture can end up either being interpreted incorrectly or reeking of superficiality. So how do we handle an unwanted touch or hug? Are we compelled to go along with it, or can we stand our ground and decline an advance?
I can’t remember when we all got so gushy and huggy. I know I didn’t throw my hands wildly around my school friends whenever we met, but that was a long time ago. In fact as far as I can remember it was only my parents who displayed any real sort of affection to me like that back then. Even aunts and uncles were reasonably reserved when we all got together. A peck on the cheek was acceptable enough. I don’t remember them doing noisy hugs or overt displays with each other either.
In fact, I don’t remember it being either acceptable or common to greet friends or acquaintances like this in the 80s or even 90s. I don’t even remember when it started becoming something we all did.
Times have definitely changed and even I have succumbed to affectionate greetings with friends and family and I have really grown to enjoy these displays of closeness. That doesn’t mean that I am comfortable with anyone touching me without invitation. In fact, I have started to become quite annoyed when people I don’t know feel that it is necessary to touch me. An accidental collision in a store can often be followed with a rub on the shoulder or an upper arm grab and a “sorry” and any efforts to push someone away or remove their hand is bound to be interpreted as hostile or rude.
The same goes for work colleagues who for some reason can’t seem to have a conversation without some sort of touching. This can get extremely delicate if the person doing the touching is either senior to you or a direct boss but how do you tell them, or anyone, politely to keep their hands to themselves?
It’s a tricky question. For a while now I have thought I was pretty much alone in thinking this way but after taking a look through the web I found all sorts of articles that reflect my own views on what has really become an obsession to touch or hug anyone we talk to. It’s all there. Some people can’t get enough of this hugging and kissing. They love it – at work, on social occasions and just about anywhere. Others like me prefer this interaction with a selected few.
In all the articles and posts I read on the subject, no-one it seems has come up with a polite and courteous way of rejecting such displays of affection if we don’t really want them. This is probably because there are really no hard and fast rules any more about greetings and closeness. For those who are as uncomfortable about strangers or distant acquaintances touching them as I am, there are considerable risks in objecting to any overtures of warmth because it projects an image of unfriendliness or even distrust.
My experience leaves me with nothing but a feeling of irritation but I am sure this new found trend in touching can pose much more serious dilemmas. Work, as I have mentioned, can be one of them. What is, for example, acceptable touching in the workplace? Can a touch, or even more of a “hold” be interpreted as a sexual advance or is it just a modern-day sign of “mateship” or acceptance?
We really need a new set of rules for this new style of friendliness. I am often in two minds about it. On one hand, I enjoy the fact that we can feel less inhibited about displays of affection. On the other, even if the gesture is a harmless one, I would still rather be the one who makes the decision who and who shouldn’t be able to start rubbing my shoulder.
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Comment by Journeywoman
Great Hair Style Tips
The Mama Sutra
I Dream of Hollywood
Fashion Peach
For me, if it's another woman doing the kissing/hugging etc, I just let her because there's nothing overtly creepy about that, she's just an affectionate kind of girl.
With guys, it's a whole different story. You either just have to avoid them, drop the fact of your boyfriend or husband's existence into the convo, or just straight up tell them "Don't f-cking touch me." The last one works extremely well (okay, so I've only used it once but it worked with him) however I hated that it had to come to that.
It seems to me that you either have to just put up with it, or assert the fact that you do not like being touched by that person. Awkward stuff, either way.
Comment by Janet Collins
Acceptable Etiquette
The Social Critic
Janet Collins Blog
It is good to know that someone else feels the same as I do about this. I think too many people take liberties, particularly ones who haven't met you before or don't even know you.
I appreciate the comment.
Comment by spud
I don't appreciate uninvited touching by either females or males either; I consider it an invasion of my personal space. So, I can understand the issue at hand here.
If someone is especially close to me, like a girlfriend or blood relative, touching is OK and an open invitation is always there. However, if it's just a coworker or random person on the street or in a bar, I find it extremely offensive. In my mind, it is very polite to just come right out and say "Can you please keep your hands to yourself?". ...Notice, I said "please".
Over my many years, I have obseved that most people who take the liberty of issuing an uninvited touch are generally selfish folks who believe they are somehow better than the "touchee". I have also found, through experimentation, that, when you start touching them back in the same manner, they become offended themselves and begin avoiding you rather than persuing you. ...I think the product this experimentation goes to prove that the uninvited toucher knows that his or her touchy-feely antics are something other than genuine, well-meant affection.
Just my two-cents,
Spud